I'm Depressed, Anxious, Depersonalized WHAT DO I DO? WILL I EVER BE OK?


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My name is Noah and, on May 18, 2011, I had a rare reaction to a vaccine called VIVITROL and, as a result, I formed a larger, agitated and depressive spiral with depersonalization. I lost 25 pounds in 4 weeks and was in panic or almost panic for 8 weeks in a row, mixed with the most painful and dark depression I have ever imagined. Immediately I could not work and I had to move with my parents, who along with many brothers and friends had to see me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, because it was so suicidal. I was finally hospitalized. Overcoming each day seemed truly unbearable and I knew I would surely die. I have been given many tricyclics, ISRIs, mood stabilizers, antipsychotics, holistic medicines, acupuncture and even a form of shock therapy called RTMS. I just saw no improvement in my condition for a full year. It was decided that I had treatment-resistant depression and I spent almost every moment crying. As a last effort in the trench, 6 1/2 months ago I had my blood drawn and my testosterone levels returned to 200 ng / Dl and 150 ng / Dl. The average man of 25 years has 750 ng / Dl. With this discovery, for the first time I had some sort of possible explanation of why I was not improving and why I could be so sick. The symptoms of this low T are very similar to those of major depression. I started testosterone replacement therapy soon after and I have been reporting to the world and documenting my experience with the treatment. I am lucky to say that little by little in the last 6 months I have been improving and becoming more stable than ever I thought it was possible. I have experienced improvements in all areas or my condition and that is a miracle. I still do not consider myself totally healed, but now I am closer than ever and I intend to use what I have gone through to help or at least offer support to the needy.

Video credits to bignoknow YouTube channel

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    I'm Depressed, Anxious, Depersonalized WHAT DO I DO? WILL I EVER BE OK?

    Comments 34

    1. Hey love your videos going through real bad depression and anxiety can you help me ?

    2. Dude i have seen so much change in your attitude and the way you talk man i wanna be you and where your at allready.

    3. Finding your channel is helping me. Just looking for help. I have a therapist but I just am not seeing a way out of this pit.

    4. I have cognitive dysfunction of executors skills. Severe depression and anxiety.I am on higher does of Effexor and busporine. I lost 2 jobs from this and have chronic physical conditions as well. I can't work. I files for disability that's pending. I have continued a downhill battle for 4 yrs. I am afraid I am going to completely loose my mind and not get it back.

    5. So how depressed have you been in the past because to me you do not looked depressed u actually look kind of cocky and conceited

    6. This is fantastic of you to post. I've been exactly where you were/are & it's THE MOST painful thing imaginable. Especially if you feel completely alone. I've always wanted to do videos here about my horrifying journey that lasted for 5 – 6 yrs. & I'm just emerging from now. Coincidentally, I just found out my hormones are totally off balance too. Way too much Estrogen & not enough Progesterone which they only found out after finding polyps in my uterus. WTH? Who would ever associate the two, & why didn't the kajillion doctors even consider it? I've been Social Media free for 4 months now after I realized I was stuck in the cyber world & sucked into the drama there even more. I appreciate you posting this for so many others going through this!.

    7. I got so bad this week I saw no way out, I started calling friends and family and started break down crying. I live far from everyone but it helped me a lot.
      I'm feeling a bit better now

    8. I feel like I’m dying and I’m in a black hole. For you tell me that it’s okay it’s okay. Focus on one day at a time means so much.

    9. Thank for say the truth about depression it feels good knowing there others that are honest about it

    10. Cheers mate
      I'm currently going through a ruff patch my meds are just not doing it for me lots going on alm

    11. I have Anhedonia since february. My whole body got numb. And cant feel anything. I do one step a time but thinking about it, if it will go away one day or not, is frustrating. Thank you for all your information. God bless you.

    12. Want to take to someone, but no one listens. Therefore, I just keep things to myself.
      I'm glad I came across your channel. I learned a lot! Thank you.

    13. Going thru same thing. I have PTSD from the military (Marines). But I found this looking for others like me. You def aren't alone.

    14. Thank you your videos have really been helpful. I didnt think it would be so hard. For me depression and anxiety were just a name, now I'm living them.

    15. Hey I suffer from anxiety , OCD and depression. I stay in bed and I get crazy intrusive thoughts with OCD . I am on ssris , but light ones . Its pissing off ……. I really need help , I am seeing a specialist too in accordance to counseling. Accupuncture helps ? What can I do ?

    16. I have a problem trusting doctors. Been prescribed lexapro and i forget the other one but refuse to take it. Just started cbd. It scares me that i have read bad things about lexapro and the last thing i need is to get worst. I dont want to chance it. I have no idea whats wrong with me. I literally woke up depressed one day. Never felt like this ever. I am even hallucinating.. seeing things that arent there. Struggling right now with keeping my job. all i want do is be home and sleep. Been trying to stay positive, and take it day by day but losing hope. When will this end? Im scared im losing the battle.

    17. You speak so beautifully…I don't watch your videos, I listen! Your words are Truly a blessing, THX!!

    18. Thanks a lot for this video. I've never known what depression feels like until recently. I was never depressed but my medication that I'm taking for my mental illness is the cause of my depression. Good to know that there is hope. Sometimes I feel like there's noone to turn to but I like how you said one day at a time. I wish my doctor would listen to me and take me off this horrible anti-psychtic meds. Never depressed until they put me on this medicine that's suppose to help with my psychosis. Grrrrrrrrrr. I will be where you are one day at a time.

    19. 😭 thank you. No one has been taking me seriously but I think the world is fake. It's all a dream or I'm already dead or my senses are deceiving me. I feel so trapped. No one seems to care that I have no idea what to do, but honestly I don't really want to get help. I just want to find the true reality.

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